You're not in charge here - we are!
by perplex777
Summary: "You may be the Princess, Clarke, but I told you before – I – don't – take – orders – from – you". Bellarke oneshot set after 2x09 'Remember Me' and in the aftermath of the battle with Mount Weather. SPOILER ALERT for 2x15 'Blood Must Have Blood Part 1'. Canon 'verse, though at publication the finale has not yet aired… Rated T for the swearing.


It was hard to believe that this was the same girl who had, that very morning, told him quietly, "I can't lose you too, okay?" That had been the first glimpse of the real Clarke he'd had in the long days since he'd watched her sleep by the firelight and they'd spoken of what had to be done. She'd been through too much since that night to come out unscathed, and it was all too raw for her to even attempt to find her new "normal".

Spikes and walls, there was nothing soft or gentle about her now. The last thing she said to him as he walked into the night?

"I trust you not to screw this up. Don't let me down."

"Is that an order?"

"Yes."

Lincoln got whispered pleas to "Stay safe" and "Come back to me" from O (who, in fairness, said pretty much the same to him too, albeit in a radically different tone). All he got from his Princess was an imperious command not to fail.

He wouldn't let her down. They'd get the kids out. But there was no denying her callousness stung like a bitch.

He was eventually able to talk himself round a little. "She's hurting... Having to switch off to survive," he muttered to himself gruffly, shoving supplies into his pack with more force than was strictly necessary. It was enough to allow him to spare her the smallest of smiles as they parted - firm, grim, but reassuring. She gave him a nod in return.

Bellamy could normally read her like a book, but Clarke was so far from herself that even he couldn't see the truth. As she sent him away, every fibre of her being was begging her to make him stay.

The hard fact was, she had faith in him, he simply had to go, and therefore she would not countenance any potential failure in his mission. The SOS was clear - they were running out of time, and Bellamy was the only one she could trust to make it through. They were co-leaders, but to rescue their people they would have to split up.

She couldn't go with him, someone had to coordinate the attack with Lexa. Clarke was forced to ask him to risk his life without her by his side, and to make herself almost viciously clear. Bellamy's mission was not allowed to go wrong. If it failed then it would mean she had lost everything… her people… worse, him.

She couldn't lose Bellamy. She didn't have the capacity to analyse exactly why she couldn't, but she felt it to her core… so this mission simply had to work. Only Bellamy was strong, stubborn, and smart enough to get the job done - it was worth the risk because it was their only option to save their people.

He wasn't dispensable, and she wasn't unfeeling. But right now, the hardest path was the only choice. And, for the time being, the only way she knew how to be strong was to be cold.

So she told him the truth. "You should go… I was being weak. It's worth the risk." Harsh realities were all they had until everyone was home and at peace.

There was so much left unsaid between them… so much that didn't have to say. When he finally radioed in:

"And Bellamy…"

"Yeah?"

"You came through… I knew you would."

"All I've done so far is not get killed."

"Keep doing that."

It was enough. He knew she was sorry, was reminded that she cared, and Clarke knew she'd been forgiven. She could finally focus on strategizing once more.

It had all gone to shit of course. And so it was that she was back in the mountain, fighting back to back with everyone she cared about, each a mere bullet wound away from death, trying to win a war with a handful of warriors instead of orchestrating a rescue mission with an army at her command. The Mountain Men had forced her hand. She was struggling to think of a way to win without wiping them all out. In offering Lexa the deal in an attempt to save their skins, Mount Weather had either condemned her people to death, or they'd assured the obliteration of their own.

The reunions had been brief. A sigh, a tear, a brief touch, a fierce hug… just enough to express relief at finding a loved one alive.

When she'd seen Bellamy though, she could hardly breathe. It was as though her heart had suddenly expanded. The lightness she felt knowing he wasn't dead made her momentarily dizzy, before reality clamped back down. He wasn't dead… yet. In that moment victory had seemed almost unattainable. And now they'd had to split up again.

The new plan required two teams. Bellamy knew the facility better than she, and someone needed to stay behind to lead the others.

There were no words. The decision was made too fast. Already he was walking away, with Miller, Wick and the rest. The expression in her eyes as he turned to look back one last time before rounding the corner made his heart stop.

She looked so small and frightened and alone, she reminded him of Octavia before she had to go back under the floor. Although he knew the minute he was out of sight she would pull herself back together, that she would draw on her seemingly limitless inner-strength once more, it broke his heart to leave Clarke looking so vulnerable.

Five long strides and he was in front of her. Brushing a tear from her cheek as he leant down to place a gentle kiss on her forehead, fingers tangled in her hair, he murmured simply, "May we meet again".

Her lips parted to reply, but the words died in her throat when she met his gaze. She stretched up, offering the softest, briefest kiss in reply. A comprehension finally began to stir in her heart… so, this is love…

Bellamy read the newfound awareness in her eyes. He'd fallen long ago, and had come to the realisation in time. An understanding finally dawned between them.

Somehow he tore himself away.

They won. They were free from the threat of the Mountain Men. It did not do to dwell on the cost.

But there was no rest. Earth had yet more challenges to throw at them.

Survival. It was the only thing they could focus on. No time to develop any sort of romantic relationship, no energy to consider their feelings. When your people are looking to you to be strong, to lead, to save them all… well, it's easier not to complicate things. They knew. It had to be enough.

It didn't change how they felt, but neither would let down their guard again until they could greet the rising sun without a nagging sense of dread in the pit of their stomach.

It might slip once or twice of course. It takes a great deal of effort to sustain the brave face that allows you to watch a loved one walk into danger without you by their side to watch their back - to not falter in the face of necessity when it forces you to part… to trust their wellbeing to others and to fickle chance. Harder still to maintain your strong, cool exterior when they are brought back to you, slung over a horse, far far too still. Utterly impossible not to crumble when you remember the look in his eyes when you sent him away… thinking you didn't value his life as he did yours. The unspoken apology, the kiss, the mutual understanding that followed? None of that can take away the pain of that memory – not when you might lose him… not when you're faced with a life plagued by what ifs.

"You're not allowed to die. Don't you even dare."

No, it was impossible for Clarke to keep her guard up continually, just as controlling his emotions was unthinkable when Bellamy awoke at last, having heard her breaking apart by his side as he gradually pulled himself back to the world. Desperate, thankful kisses brought tears to his eyes, and a heat that pooled in his stomach driving him to seek more. More sighs, more skin, more Clarke. His injuries made him wince, but he still pulled her close, and murmured soft nothings that encouraged Clarke to curl even more tightly into his side. He had never felt more alive than when she kissed him that night, as their hands and lips began to map new territory, to explore one another for the first time in a haze of euphoria. She fell asleep listening to his strong heartbeat, wrapped in his arms, grateful for second chances.

But the walls had to go back up – their fight was not over.

They knew at least that the masks of indifference were nothing more than that - a mask. Their hearts were finally open, albeit cautiously so… still shielded for protection. With the struggles ahead no one was safe. Not yet.

They had always fought for their people, and for one another - she would fight and die for him and vice versa - but now they fought for themselves too, and for what might be if they could only get through this. And that is how Clarke's heart began to truly heal. Lexa was wrong. Love is strength, not weakness.

But it was still a bumpy road ahead, especially once they begun to challenge each other again…

Enraged, he snapped. "What the hell happened to 'we make the rules' huh!?"

Eyes flashing, she opened her mouth ready to give an imperious yet smartass retort until the undistilled fury written in harsh lines on his face struck her dumb.

"You may be the Princess, Clarke, but I told you before – I – don't – take – orders – from – you," he spat. He was clearly trying to reign in his anger, and struggling… hands gripping the table, knuckles white. "You don't get to make decisions like this without at least consulting me first! You're not in charge here Clarke. _We_ are!" Sadness replaced fury. Seconds before he had seemed likely to vault over the table but now, as he leaned heavily into it, it seemed to be the only thing keeping him up. "At least I thought we were… You can't go off doing crazy shit like this and expect me to take it lying down."

God, he sounded so tired! She had to flex her hand to resist the urge to reach out to him. But she had to be strong, to stay firm – although her tone was perhaps a little more conciliatory than it would have been had he shouted those last words at her instead. "What do you want me to say Bellamy? I'm not going to apologise. I don't need to explain myself to you. It was my decision. I was only risking myself." She took a breath, voice a little sterner. "I don't need to run everything by you… and if you think I'm going to let you undermine my authority like that again, then you can fuck right off."

He'd crossed his arms while she spoke. Now he actually snorted with derision. "'I was only risking myself' she says!" So what if it was a little immature to try and imitate her voice? In that instant he didn't give a damn. "You really don't get it do you. When we decided I would go to Mount Weather-"

She tried to interrupt, but he cut her off before she could say it. "Yes, we decided. It was my idea in the first place! I was just waiting for you to come around. It was a pity you had to be such a dick about it, but still, it was a joint decision."

She didn't contradict him. She even had the good grace to blush. They'd already covered this ground, thankfully in a calmer moment. In fact, he would feel guilty later for bringing it up at all. She'd been so full of regret, despite the fact he'd already forgiven her before he'd set off with Lincoln. When things hadn't gone to plan, those harsh words as she sent him away had only added to her anguish. But right now he was pissed, and everything was game in order to drive his point home.

"When we decided I would go to Mount Weather; that was worth the risk. The chance to save the lives of forty-seven kids and hundreds of Grounders was worth the potential loss of two. But what you did today. If Lincoln hadn't…" Once he had gathered himself enough to continue his voice seemed to have dropped an octave. "You almost died Clarke, and for what? You may have stopped yourself from giving a damn about the rest of us, but we can't afford to lose you."

"You think I don't give a damn!? You think I don't care what happens to my people!? Let me tell you something Bellamy… I care too godammed much!"

"I know you care about our people Clarke, collectively." He began to pace. "And you were right, every life matters down here. That means everyone is important. Every single person. You can worry about the masses all you want, but what's the point if there's no one important to you… just to you? And that's what you don't get. You're the most important person here Clarke. Every single one of those kids needs you in their life. And not because you're their leader. Because of who you are, because you're Clarke godammed Griffin. If you asked any of them they'd tell you exactly the same, what you did today wasn't worth the risk of them losing you."

He was in front of her now. She stepped up to him, challenging, "You want to know why? Why it was worth it? Because it had to be done, I would willingly die for those people out there, and I wasn't about to risk losing anyone else, so there wasn't a choice… and I had the guts to follow through."

"There's always a choice," he replied darkly. "And you chose to risk your neck, without telling me, so you could be selfish."

"Selfish!?" she spluttered.

"Yes Clarke. Selfish. I get that you've lost a lot, that you feel responsible. But risking your neck like that is selfish. And this has nothing to do with guts Clarke. God knows you've proved your bravery a million times over… But today? Today you were a coward. We could have lost you because you couldn't bear to lose anyone else, and you decided to not even discuss it with me to see if there was another way." She looked away. He reached out forcing her to look him in the eye. "That's selfish Clarke. You'd rather die than lose another person you love. And you don't want to carry the burden of any more guilt – guilt you shouldn't even be feeling when all you've ever done is what you had to do to protect our people. And yeah, I'm selfish too. I'm only pissed off because I can't bear to lose you, and if I do it's sure as hell not going to be because you took a dumbass risk without even consulting me first. If you're going to put yourself in danger like that, it's going to be because it's worth the risk, and that's a decision you don't get to make on your own."

She barely even reacted to his speech, lifting her chin in defiance and stating, "If you want to lead with me Bellamy, you're going to have to learn to be less weak. If we care too much, we make ourselves vulnerable. If we want to lead we have to be strong. If you think the kids need me to be anything other than their leader, then that's tough, that's all I can be to them now. I said I can't lose anyone else, you said you can't lose me. There's a difference. And if you can't let that go then you're going to need to learn to follow my orders."

"This isn't you Clarke. Since when did you start trying to become a heartless bitch! That's not why they started following you, and if you keep this up it's why they're sure as hell going to stop."

"Lexa-"

He cut her off. "We don't need a Commander, Clarke. Our people… they need us to lead, not dictate. You said it yourself – we are not Grounders. We may live on the Earth, but we don't live in their world. The kids are back, the war is over, you don't have to make the tough calls on your own – not anymore… never again if I have anything to do with it. You did what you had to do to survive. It's time to start living again. Suppressing your feelings… it's only going to screw you up and suck the joy out of life. And if that's all you gain, then what's the point?"

"That's not what I was trying to say. Lexa… she… well, she made a choice. Her people or mine, when I no longer saw the difference. We were meant to save our people, all of them. But she betrayed us. Finn, Ton D C, it was all for nothing." She paused for a moment… to gather herself maybe? Bellamy shifted imperceptibly closer. "She told me she made the decision with her head instead of her heart, like that was somehow a good thing… But that was weak. She was weak… and I won't be weak like her." The fight seeped out of her stance as she struggled to put her feelings into words. "She was wrong, thinking she couldn't do both. I could never lead like her… wouldn't want to. I love those kids too much, all of them. That's why I'm stronger than her. I'm not afraid to feel… But then I wonder if I'm kidding myself. Maybe I am the weak one. I know what needs to be done, but I won't ask anyone to die for me, to sacrifice themselves to carry off a plan. Not again… Never again." Her hand was clutching the fabric of his shirt, as if to prove he was still there, in front of her. Neither noticed. "But I can't go back to how it was before Mount Weather. I'm not that person anymore, and this fucked-up planet won't let me. The stakes are so much higher."

"That's not what I'm saying Clarke." He rested his forehead against hers, desperate to make her see. "All I need you to know is that you're not on your own. You and me, we're in this together. We balance each other out – you know we make one hell of a team."

She gave what might have been a wry chuckle. He moved back just far enough so he could read her face.

"You can't always do everything... be everything. You know that right? And you're allowed to hesitate, to make mistakes… Sometimes you're just wrong." Her eyebrow arched. He raised his hands, "Hell sometimes I'm wrong too. That's why it has to be us, not you or me. You stop me fucking up, and help me put things right when I screw up. I need you Clarke. And you still need me. You could do this all without me, but why would you want to? Just let in, okay?… Like before… when I was still an ass half the time. Remember those days," he gave her a gentle nudge, "before I became down-right chivalrous and damn near perfect?"

Clarke couldn't help but smile at that. "You were such as ass!" She grinned at the memory.

And then they were laughing, cheeks aching, a little breathless, until it wasn't funny anymore. They were kissing instead and he could taste the smile on her lips.


End file.
